Emotion
by MsButterFingers
Summary: Formerly 'Cry Baby'. A collection of random drabbles/ficlets from the world of Steven Universe. Involves characters all over the SUverse. Some canon, some not.
1. Guilt

Due to very recent and disturbing events, I've made the decision to revise this collection and remove any association with Melanie Martinez and her music, including all of the titles. As much of a fan I was of this album, and of her, this was very difficult to decide. At first I was strongly tempted to just wipe this fic off the face of the planet and delete it forever and ever. But I knew that wasn't fair to those of you who may have enjoyed a couple of these ficlets for what they are.

But I also know that ultimately I don't want this collection of ficlets for a show that I love associated with something so terrible, which may be potentially hurtful or triggering for victims of sexual assault. So I've changed a lot of this work to be totally and utterly separated from that person and their music.

I'm a writer, but I'm also a human being. And as a creator, I need to be mindful of how my art may affect other people, specifically readers. So ultimately, I knew this was the right decision to make for myself and for others.

With this revamp of the collection as simply emotion/feeling themed, I've decided I'll keep this collection open and add to it now and then. Now that I don't have a particular set number of ficlets in mind (now that it's not strictly based off of a tracklist of an album), there's actually a wide range of themes that I could write about. So that's a plus!

And to those of you who had enjoyed this collection the way I had it before, I hope you'll be able to enjoy it in its' improved, revised form. (To be totally honest, personally, I think I like it a lot more now!)

All word definitions are from Google, unless I say otherwise.

(Original author's note: These vary in length between ficlets and drabbles—originally I was aiming for these to be true drabbles (100 words or less) but I have no self control, like ZERO self control honestly, and I could barely contain myself as I wrote some of these. So a good majority of them are small ficlets. Heh.

Some of these have simpler scenarios, some of them are more complicated. None of these will have continuations, and each drabble/ficlet is stand alone, aka there's no ongoing plot that runs between all of these, they're completely separate. This is my first time doing something like this, and because of how fun they are to write, I might do more of these collections!

Mostly just a bunch of 'what if' scenarios, maybe there'll be some AU, although some are more like a peek at angsty inner monologues or musings. Fluid canonity, I have some fun with it—some are canon, a few are super NOT canon. So I guess just suspend disbelief and enjoy the ride!)

Enjoy!

 _Warnings: Mention of substance abuse, mild language, some violence. May be elements of horror in later additions._

* * *

 _ **1: Guilt**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _1\. the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime._

 _2\. a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation._

I was created for this. To cry.

My tears heal. They needed my tears to survive—the diamonds, Pink Diamond's gems. They needed me. _She_ needed me. So for them, I cried to heal, to save.

It wasn't much different, truly. When I betrayed them all. When I started the rebellion. Aside from being their leader, I still healed. I still saved. I just began to save the right side.

I had to follow my heart. And my heart was with the Earth. A place of such beauty—beauty the likes of which I had never seen on Homeworld—was more than the Diamonds could ever deserve. They would colonize and destroy its' exquisiteness, destroy humanity, the aliens that I so loved and admired. I couldn't let it happen.

I wanted to protect us all from Homeworld—Earth, and the Crystal Gems. I did everything. I…tried.

We won, technically. But at a price.

My failures will come back one day.

#

He'll be created for this. To learn. To cry. To heal.

To protect them from what I've done.


	2. Fallacy (A Study of Deceit and Secrets)

_**2: Fallacy (A Study of Deceit and Secrets)**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _1._ _a mistaken belief, especially one based on unsound argument._

Very few people understand me. And by that, I mean it in a literal sense: Very few people understand me when I talk.

I speak the way that my father speaks—Yellowtail. I have a different father from Sour Cream, my half-brother. He talks normally.

How I wish I could talk normally, too. Then I would tell everyone in Beach City of the chaos behind the curtain that I live in every day.

My family looks almost perfect from the outside. Yellowtail looks caring. Instead he's absent most of the time, and has a secret lover he brings onto his boat during his fishing travels.

Mother, the beautiful Vidalia, is the only person that knows about his lover besides me. She drinks to forget.

Sour Cream gets high and parties to escape the tension. He doesn't know about Yellowtail's secret life, only that he and Vidalia have been fighting. He just wants the fighting to stop. If only he knew. I won't tell him, though. It's something he must find out for himself.

And it's my job to be the carefree, childish Onion. I'm the glue holding things together. I keep all of their secrets.

It's all a façade, our family portraits. The perfect family within them doesn't exist.

I run and hide from the things I see and can never tell.


	3. Vox Populi (Envy)

_**3: Vox Populi (Envy)**_

* * *

 _noun (Latin)_

 _1._ _the opinions or beliefs of the majority._

 _noun_

 _1._ _a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck._

I hate being cool.

'Cool'. Even the word is stupid. Same with 'popular'. I hate that word, too.

I hate the pressure. I have to pretend to like things that I don't like. I have to act a certain way, dress a certain way, talk a certain way.

Kiki is the only one who knows the real me.

She's the one who sees me hungover, sneaking back into our bedroom the mornings after going to forbidden parties. She comforted me after I got too drunk at that rave and hooked up with Kevin and immediately hated myself afterward. She caught me taking those diet pills that were making me thinner and begged me to stop. She's seen me in the mornings as I reapply my makeup, barely holding back tears, because it wasn't good enough the first time.

I hate pretending to be happy and unaffected all the time.

I hate carrying the weight of my father's expectations. All the time, he tells Kiki and I how we'll inherit the pizza shop, and it'll be ours one day. I don't want the burden of the future he wants. But I also don't know what I want, or who I want to be.

I wear cool clothes, but underneath I'm still lost and depressed. I'm still scared, and I don't know what I'm doing.

Kiki has always known the real me. She's always understood me—the _only_ one who does. But she's always known herself, too. She's always known who she wants to be. Her life is so simple. So easy.

I wonder if she knows how much I want to be her instead of having to be me.


	4. La Douleur Exquise

_**4: La Douleur Exquise**_

* * *

 _(French): "The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have." -Psychology Today_

She doesn't love me. Not that way. I know she doesn't.

I've always accepted that about Rose. I've always known that she does what she likes, when she likes. I know it's a perilous risk, falling in love with the startling and exquisite leader of the rebellion. It wasn't as if I could've stopped it anyway. She had stolen me even before I knew what she was capable of.

She has always felt like a certain intoxicating danger to me, and I steadfastly believe that's what drew me to her in the first place. I think I knew the moment I met her that she would radically uproot my life, for better or for worse, and that I'd let her.

I know when she looks at me, she sees her loyal, wild, rebellious Pearl. She sees her partner in crime. She knows I would die for her. She cares for me deeply.

She still doesn't love me.

If I were wiser, I'd leave. I don't need the foresight of a Sapphire to know that Rose is going to break my heart one day.

But I'll gladly be a fool.

And being destroyed by Rose Quartz would be my greatest honor.


	5. Mutiny

_**5: Mutiny**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _1._ _an open rebellion against the proper authorities, especially by soldiers or sailors against their officers._

"You abominations have humiliated me for the last time!" The sound of Holly Blue Agate's screeching resounds all through the Human Zoo. If sound could travel in space, the Crystal Gems aboard their Ruby ship, long gone by now, would undoubtedly hear her.

Brutish instead of the prim façade she put on for the diamonds, her ego filling her to the brims of the doorway like a hulking behemoth, she glares wildly at us like she always has: like we're nothing. "Thanks to that display of betrayal, you dreadful beta Earth gems will stay in here and rot!"

She slams the door, and the compact room goes black.

It's silent for a long time. Everyone she'd thrown in here, all of us from the beta kindergarten, don't say a word.

Carnelian breaks the careful silence. "What now, Skinny?"

I pause, thinking. I had seen now with my own eyes that Holly Blue could be taken down. That for all her threats and her superiority complex, it's all shallow. And once she's bested, she has no leg to stand on.

Now that they had shown us that, we could be so much more than this hellhole.

"We do what they did." I reach across the dark for her small hand, squeezing it. She squeezes back. "We outsmart that bitch. We escape. And we find some way back to Earth."


	6. Loathing

_**6: Loathing**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _1._ _a feeling of intense dislike or disgust; hatred._

Why am I so reckless?

I know why. It's because I try too hard. I try so hard to prove myself to everybody— _any_ body.

I get so obsessed with trying to be impressive. Trying to be powerful, like Garnet. Trying to be clever, like Pearl. Trying to be gifted like Steven.

I had already been like that since Rose left us. So when Jasper made me realize what I was supposed to be, what I was made for but could never live up to, it really screwed me up. I wanted to _be_ her. To be a grand warrior to behold, to make others tremble with fear.

And that terrifying secret wish was what I kept from the others.

I've tried to forget. Jasper's gone now. It shouldn't matter to me anymore. But it still simmers deep inside me, like a ghost to constantly remind me. Taunt me. And then I screw up, because that's all I'm good at.

Like now.

As I stare down at all of the blood on the ground, I wonder how I could've screwed up _this_ badly. But of course I did. Because it's me.

I was just practicing with my whip on the beach. I didn't see him behind me. I didn't mean to do it.

"Shit. Sorry," I say uselessly with shaking hands to the human who is conscious, but bleeding profusely from his face. He stares up at me from the ground like I'm a monster to fear. "It was an accident. Sorry. I'm sorry."

And then I hear approaching voices.

So I turn and I run away like the coward I am.

Because I'm good at that, too.


	7. Geborgenheit

_**7: Geborgenheit**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _(German) A feeling of security and safety. Love. Acceptance._

You mess up sometimes. But usually it's me that messes up, isn't it? Because of your foresight and stuff. You're like, perfect.

Ugh, this is cheesy. Sorry.

But no matter who messes up, we always make it right afterward. Don't we?

I had not known myself before you. I had been a cog in the machine before I loved you. All I knew was how to be a Ruby. I didn't know how to be me.

And then I loved you, Sapphire, and I was suddenly the most myself I had ever been.

When we're Garnet, I'm at peace. I'm full. I'm safe. I'm home.

And I can do anything as long as I'm one with you.

* * *

You give me strength, Ruby.

You give me bravery. I may have foresight, but you're the one who gives me the courage to face the future head on, to protect those we love most.

Before you saved me, I had just been mindlessly doing what I was supposed to do, giving future predictions by command. Imagine if I were still that unfulfilled gem now.

Imagine how blind and lonely I would be.

When we're Garnet, I'm whole. You keep me authentic and sentimental. And you see me better than anyone—for who I truly am. I see you, too. I love what I see. All of it.

The moment that we accidentally fused was the perfect mistake.


	8. Scorned

_**8: Scorned**_

* * *

 _verb_

 _1._ _feel or express contempt or derision for._

 _2._ _reject (something) in a contemptuous way._

"Aw, Lapis. Don't take it too hard," says Peridot. "Those Beach City clods didn't deserve our awesome party anyway."

I stare at the new, handmade decorative morps I had hung on the wall of the barn just for the party. We spent so much time setting things up for this party to get to know some of the humans Steven likes, so they would get to know _us_ , and they didn't even show. Steven couldn't make it, and since he wasn't coming, no one else wanted to.

It sucks to think people don't like you, hope that you're wrong, yet still being proven right in the end.

I just wanted to make some friends for once. We tried so hard.

Anger swarming through me, I reach for the morp and tear it off the wall, throwing it to the ground and breaking it. I summon the water from the water wall, hurling it at the table of the stupid food that we brought for the humans to eat, drowning it. I tear the party hat off my head and stomp on it with my foot.

"Whoa," Peridot says, rattled. "Lapis—"

"Why do I bother?" I shout, storming over to the drowned cake on the floor, summoning water again, pulverizing it. "Why? _Why?_ "

"Lapis!"

"Why do I even try?" I kneel and slam my hands into the remains of the cake, over and over again. " _Stupid, stupid, stupid!_ " Hands land on my shoulders, and suddenly I stop. Then I crumple into a ball and begin to cry.

I cry as Peridot awkwardly pats my back, as the humiliation and hurt starts to wane. Finally, my sobs subsided, I sit up in silence, unable to look her in the face, ashamed of my outburst.

I want to apologize but I can't, and she knows.

After a few moments, she slings her arm around my shoulder and leans her head on my shoulder and says, "We're too cool for them."

Despite my shame, a laugh bursts out of me. I don't know when Peridot became so good at cheering me up. I also don't know when she became such a positive force in my life when I had once hated her. "You're right," I say.

"I know," she says. She hops up and offers me a helping hand to stand, too. "Let's go watch Camp Pining Hearts."

We do.


	9. Gluttony

_**9: Gluttony**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _1._ _habitual greed or excess in eating._

Topaz has always hated this part of our job.

Me? I don't mind it so much.

I like the chase. The pursuit.

These humans, they have no idea what we are. When they see us, they see a big monster. And naturally, they run.

They don't know we can outrun them. Three of our strides can overcome their ten.

I love the fear in the humans' eyes when they see Topaz and I separate. They don't understand fusion, and they're afraid at just the sight of us turning from one into two.

When Topaz and I fuse around them, trapping them inside, we can feel their blood pumping, their hearts hammering in their terror, their muffled screams. Humans feel what they feel, when they want to feel it. Their emotions aren't guarded and regulated like in our world.

It's the most lovely feeling, their fear. It's exciting. It's delicious.

Topaz hates it when there is something between us. Before this, I didn't like it either. But before, I didn't know this feeling—their delicious, addicting fear.

I wish it was just us, and no Aquamarine. I wonder how many humans we could capture together. Maybe we could catch all of the humans in this tiny town. How many could we hold inside of us? Ten? Twenty? Fifty? How long until we couldn't hold any more? How good would their shared fear feel?

I mean, It's not as if I want to _kill_ them. I don't. I just want to hold them inside of us forever and feel them squirm.

Topaz and I know everything about each other. When we're one, we share thoughts. I know how she hates doing this and pretends to be fine with it. She already knows how I feel, but she says nothing. She lets me enjoy it.

I'll enjoy it for the time being.

This game.


	10. Stockholm Syndrome

A/N: Sorry, once again, for the horrendous formatting of this particular ficlet. I really wish this website had a bit more in the way of customizable formatting. Sigh.

* * *

 _ **10: Stockholm Syndrome**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _1._ _feelings of affection felt in certain cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim toward a captor._

You're really going to keep me trapped in this fusion. Aren't you?

###

Of course I am. I won't let you hurt Steven. You deserve to stay at the bottom of this ocean forever.

###

And you, too? You're really willing to waste your life imprisoning me down here? For Rose Quartz?

###

…Yes.

###

Wow. You're fucked up, you know that?

###

I'm aware. Now, shut up.

###

You have a nasty streak. I didn't expect that of you. You look so dainty. I have to admit, I'm impressed.

###

Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

###

And I thought I would stop at nothing to get what I want. But if you're willing to go to these lengths to stop me, you're crazier than me.

###

SHUT UP.

###

Now, now. Easy. Let's not deny what we both know is true. The darkness and pressure down here will get to you eventually. _I'll_ get to you eventually. Your hate for me won't sustain your strength forever. You're growing tired, more and more by the day. One day you'll give in, and I'll take control. You'll want what I want. And then you'll be mine.

###

That will _never_ happen. I hate you, and I'll never want what you want. You're delusional. You're losing your mind as quickly as I am.

###

You'll see, Lazuli. We'll make a lethal pair, you and I. That's what I want for us.

And I always get what I want.


	11. Philomisia

_**11: Philomisia**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _1._ _The love of hatred._

I've wanted her for as long as I can remember. Blue.

Always.

But it's never been correct, at least not in public. That's how it's always been for us four.

Our relationships with each other was always for conveniences' sake. As royalty, being with other gems would be uncouth, unthinkable. So, we all had something that those we rule over could never legally have.

Fusing for pleasure's sake—sometimes with just two, sometimes even three or all four of us at a time. Confiding in one another things we could tell no one else, not even our Pearls. The four of us share so many secrets between us.

Favoritism was never part of the arrangement, for any of us. Neither was love. But these things happen.

Pink, too, has always loved Blue. Those two, they have always been closest. But Blue has never restrained herself to just one of us at a time. Blue is the most empathetic of us all. She has so much love to give between us. Perhaps that bond is why we all have these irrational emotions.

Pink, however, is possessive. To her, Blue is hers alone. And she whines when Blue spends too much time with us instead of with her.

And I've always understood that—I didn't particularly like it. But I accepted it.

White, though. She's always been belligerent about her jealousy. I've at least had the decency of hiding my jealousy.

But White doesn't care. She openly mocks Pink, pleads with Blue to admit that she doesn't love Pink. Asks her to stop loving Pink altogether.

"You don't love her," I once heard White whisper desperately to Blue when the two of them didn't know I was just around the corner from them, listening. "Stop lying. She loves you more than you love her. And you know it."

A rift of hatred has grown between White and Pink because of this. So much so that our royal subjects have begun to take notice. It's humiliating. It's unacceptable. Especially at a time like this, with those dreadful Crystal Gems undermining our authority for that useless planet that Rose Quartz loves so much. Our armies have been looking to us for leadership, and this quarreling is a waste of our energy.

White and I used to accept that perhaps we were second best in Blue's eyes as lovers. But no more. It's begun to drive White mad, seeing them together. It's making her colder than she's ever been before. And seeing this rift between the four of us has begun to drive me mad as well.

White says she has a plan. A plan that will change everything. But I firmly believe she's just saying things to say them. I don't believe her.

She won't do anything. Not because of anything as insipid as this.

I trust that she won't.


	12. Limerance

_**12: Limerance**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _1._ _the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings._

"You look different today." Rose, staring at me with a puzzled expression, cocks her head to the side. Her mass of curly pink hair shifts, gleaming in the sunlight. "What is it about you that makes you look different today?"

Equally puzzled, I look down to give myself a once-over, then reach up with both hands, patting my cheeks. I have just about as much stubble as I usually do on my face, so that couldn't be it. "Hmm," I say, "Whaddaya mean?"

Rose points. "Oh, now I see! It's that," she says. "That. Your shirt. It's different."

I look down at my shirt. I can't help it—I laugh. "Oh, yeah. It is different from the shirt I wore yesterday, isn't it?"

Frowning as though she's thinking something over, she observes aloud, "Humans change clothing a lot. Very often. And you also purchase new ones." She locks gazes with me again, pursing her lips in that inquisitive way that she does when she's about to ask me something. "I've always wondered why. Is it necessary?"

As usual, I try my best to answer her with tact and patience. "Well, yeah," I say, pausing to think. "We change our clothes for functional purposes, that's for sure. We wouldn't smell very nice if we didn't. But it's also to…express ourselves. It's a way to show off who we are."

"Who you are," Rose echoes, ruminating over this with a nod. "Your individuality. Of course." Her eyebrows furrow again, and another question makes its' way to her lips. "So, is that what makeup and hairstyles are for? For the same purpose?"

"Sure," I say. "Many women and men like to use makeup and change their hair to express themselves. Sometimes even to change their appearances."

Rose nods again, turning to watch two women walk past where we're standing on the pier. As they leave hearing distance, Rose says, "Gems hardly ever change. Our appearances always stay the same. Unless we reform, that is. And except for Amethysts' shape shifting." She smiles softly at her own joke, but quickly it fades. "I'm jealous of humans' ability to change whenever or _however_ they want. It's incredible."

I watch her as she speaks, and my stomach flutters in wonder, as it always does when she says things like that. For the millionth time, I think that I would have never seen the world the way I do now if I never had met her. Then I nod. "It is, isn't it?"

Suddenly she turns to me, frowning, appearing troubled. "Do you want me to change, too?"

Taken aback, I blink at her. "Huh?"

"To change my appearance. To look different every day. Like humans can," she clarifies, staring intensely into my eyes, looking as if the fate of entire universe hinges on my answer.

Shedding my brief shock, I shake my head fervently. "No, no! Rose, oh geez." I take both of her hands in mine. "Of course I don't want you to change. I never want you to change. Unless, of course, you _want_ to change. Then I would fully support that," I add, just in case. "But you're perfect to me the way you are. You always will be. No matter what."

She relaxes slightly, and her face softens. "No matter what?"

I bring her left hand up to my lips to kiss it, then I kiss her right hand, too. "I promise."

Rose's expression warms as a beam appears, and she laughs musically. It's the most wonderful sound. "And I promise that you'll also be perfect to me always, even if you change. Even if you lose your hair."

I let go of one of her hands, flipping my long hair behind my shoulder in an over the top manner. "That'll never happen."

Rose laughs again, harder this time. I smile, too. Then she shakes her head. "If you say so," she says. Then, smirking, she unexpectedly lets go of my other hand and turns to leave down the pier toward Funland as she says over her shoulder, "By the way, Mr. Universe, that was a test. You passed."

Dumbfounded, I watch her amused, retreating form for a few moments as her admission clicks. Then I run after her, half cackling and half yelling, "Hey, wait! Wait up!"


	13. Wanderlust

A/N: Wonderland AU (with a microscopic dash of Steampunk) incoming!

This one is the longest ficlet so far in this collection. Alas, I couldn't restrain myself with such a concept. My fingers and brain went off the rails! So. Much. Fun. But for such a fun song, this had to be fun too! Hope you guys enjoy.

* * *

 _ **13: Wanderlust (A Small Adventure in the Yellow Woods)**_

* * *

 _noun (German)_

 _1._ _the wish to travel far away and to many different places. (Cambrige English dictionary)_

"Hey, Miss Rabbit," I ask, "Is this place real? Or am I dreaming?"

Pearl the Rabbit turns to me, alarmed. "What do you _mean_ , is it real?" She gestures around us, the monster-sized, neon yellow trees—which I suspect were painted that color—in the thick woods that surround us. "Look around us! Does this place not _look_ real to you? Reach out, touch it! It's as real as you and me!"

I do reach out and touch one of the yellow tree trunks, then bring my palm back to look down at it. It _does_ feel real.

Pearl the Rabbit shakes her head, taking out her pocket watch again and looking down at it. "Now, enough crazy talk, Connie. We're so very late already, and we don't have any more time to dilly-dally!" She spins on her furry foot and begins to walk briskly away, leading us further into the woods.

"Chill out, Pearl," says Amethystdee with a boisterous laugh. "We'll get there soon!"

"Yeah, Pearl, chill. Don't blow a gasket!" agrees Amethystdum, holding her sisters' hand and swinging their hands together as she turns to me. "Don't sweat it, Connie. She's always like this."

Amethystdee and Amethystdum break their clasped hands and stand on either side of me, both hooking their arms through mine and skipping on a rhythm, moving us far ahead of Pearl the Rabbit. "Pearl, Pearl, worry wart Pearl!" They chant together as they laugh.

I anxiously look down at our skipping feet, hoping I won't trip—my feet are adorned with black Mary Jane shoes and black and white striped socks that come up to my knees, and I can't remember ever buying any of those things, especially since they aren't particularly my style.

"But you don't get it, you guys. I don't understand how I got here," I say to all three of them. "All I remember is following Miss Pearl Rabbit through a Lion's mane, and falling, and falling some more. Then I was here. And where is this place, anyway?"

At my question, the twins unceremoniously skid to a stop, and Pearl hops straight over our heads to avoid crashing into us and lands gracefully on her feet in front of us.

With an irritated harrumph, she straightens her vest, then brushes it off. "This _place_ ," Pearl says, gesturing around us again, "Is Homeland. The part of Homeland we stand in as we speak is the Yellow Woods. And I suggest we keep moving and find the Hatter before other inhabitants find us. Unless you'd _like_ for the Yellow Queen's royal guard to capture you?"

"The Yellow Queen?" I echo, concerned. That sounds ominous. My hands knit nervously into the blue skirt of my dress. "Who is that?"

A smug, nasally laugh suddenly echoes around us. All four of us stop in our tracks, and Pearl's ears point straight upward with alertness.

"Oh, no," Pearl says, stomping her foot. "I knew that darn cat wouldn't take too long to find us."

"A cat?" I ask. Before I can expand on my confusion, our answer appears in the trees directly over us.

There, I see a short, round green striped cat sitting where there had been no cat before. A wide smile was spread on its' face. "My, my. This poor, strange clod doesn't know who the Yellow Queen is?" The cat jumps off the branch it had been reclined on, and then it hovers in the air, suspended by nothing as it stares at me with its' eerie eyes. "Do you not see whose woods we stand in? Or have you been living under a rock?"

Pearl comes to stand in front of me protectively. "Shoo, Perishire Cat!" She waves a paw at her. "Shoo!"

Amethystdum leans over to me, whispering in my ear, "Don't trust the cat."

Amethystdee whispers into my other ear, "She speaks in riddles and half truths."

"We don't have time for your teasing and your nonsense, Cat," Pearl continues. "We're on our way to see the Hatter, so that she may fix my watch. It's not ticking right." She waves her paw at the cat again. "So if you'll kindly disappear again, we'll be on our way."

"Fine, fine. Continue on your merry way," Perishire Cat says. "I will not stop you on your quest. Good luck not getting found."

The Cat laughs at us again as we resume walking, her form disappearing. Soon, as I watch over my shoulder, her lascivious grin becomes all that's left of her, and her laughter echoes through the forest once again.

Worried, I look at Pearl and the twins. "What did she mean by that?"

"Oh, who could know?" Pearl the Rabbit says, rolling her eyes. "Don't mind her. We'll be fine. Just as long as we don't make a fuss."

We walk along the path for a bit more of an indeterminable about of time, and along the way through the Yellow Woods I spy more strange sights: a tall frog person with a long handlebar mustache and gears for eyes who rides a penny farthing, miniature people made out of wilting, dying black roses, a blue caterpillar sitting in a small pond of water with a full head of blue hair and an apathetic expression on its' face, flying half-raven half gear-and-steam automatons.

 _This place can't be real_ , I think, _it can't be. I must be dreaming._

Suddenly, Pearl the Rabbit stops and points ahead of us. "There, the Hatter's table! We're here!" And she takes off in a flurry of white fur and tweed.

The twins both erupt in shouts of excitement, then the two of them scoop me up over their heads and run after Pearl. I yell in surprise and beg them not to drop me, and as we arrive at a clearing in the forest where a long, posh dining table sits, the twins indeed drop me to the ground and hook arms and dance around in a circle.

"We made it!" They chant. "We made it to the Hatter, we made it, we made it!"

Sitting up sorely, I ask them, annoyed and exasperated that they've gone back to not telling me anything, "Who is the Hatter?"

"I am." The reply comes from behind me.

Slowly, I turn, and I see Pearl the Rabbit standing next to a new figure at the head of the tall dining room table: tall, magenta in color, with _three eyes_ , wearing a tailored coat with long coattails and tall matching top hat. "I am the _Mild_ Hatter. Garnet Mild Hatter. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Connie. I foresaw your arrival to Homeland." The Hatter gestures to the large porcelain teapot in front of her. "Would you care for some tea?"

I scramble up off the ground, brushing off my dress. "Oh, yes, I would love some." I come over to the table, sitting down as the Hatter pours me a teacup full of tea.

She hands it to me as I take it eagerly, then she asks, "Cake?"

"Oh yes, please," I say as I stir cream and sugar into my teacup. Amethystdee and Amethystdum come and sit next to me, and Pearl the Rabbit takes a seat across the table from us.

When the Hatter slices a piece of red and blue cake, puts it on a pretty plate, and passes it to me, I ask, "What are we celebrating?"

"Our unbirthdays, of course," Garnet Hatter says matter-of-factly, handing Pearl some tea and some cake on a plate, and then passing the twins some cake and tea, too. "You know, I'm glad that you've come to join the Crystal Gems here in Homeland. I rather think you'll enjoy being with us."

I look at each of the faces at the dining table, one by one, seeing them smiling at me. I'm still confused about how I got here in the first place, and I'm still confused about this amazing and unbelievably strange place. But at least I have these new friends to guide me.

And maybe they're a little weird, but so am I. In some ways, the best people are the weirdest ones, after all.

Perhaps I belong here.

So I nod. "Me, too," I agree, grinning. The Mild Hatter returns my grin.

"Please, Hatter," says Pearl, "After our celebrations, will you _please_ fix my pocket watch? It's been out of sorts all day."

"Of course I will, Pearl, not to worry," says the Hatter. Then she lifts her teacup, making a toast. "But for now, let's just enjoy this gathering. To all our unbirthdays, and to our new friend Connie. Cheers!"

I lift my teacup, and the twins and Pearl lift theirs as well, and all our fine porcelain cups clink together. And we proceed to enjoy our unbirthday tea and cake in a hidden clearing in the Yellow Woods of Homeland.


	14. Weakness

A/N: Oh, boy. This one...may be more of an M rating instead of a T rating. Slightly? Ah, oh well, I won't change the rating. Just don't show the kids. Cover your eyes, kids!

* * *

 _ **14: Weakness**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _1._ _the state or condition of lacking strength._

 _2._ _a person or thing that one is unable to resist or likes excessively._

He ruins me.

He looks at me and says my name, and I'm screwed. Because as soon as he looks at me like that, and says my name like that, I know what I try to deny to myself and everyone else is true: I can never say no to Lars.

Usually, it's back in the employee lounge at the Big Donut. We'll be closing up, getting ready to leave, and he'll amble over, shoulders hunched, hands in his pockets and eyes dark and lidded.

"Wanna come over?" He'll always say. "We could watch something. Or play something."

 _Play_.

#

We enter his house and his parents are asleep. We go straight to his room. Every time, as soon as we're up there, and he locks the door, all pretense about why I'm there disappears.

He pins me to the wall and his hands are all over me as his lips attack mine, hungrily. Because each time, he's been wanting to kiss me like that the whole day. And each time I'm jelly in his arms. Helpless jelly. Because as much as I try to deny it, I've been wanting to kiss _him_ like that all day.

He strips me, and I strip him, his sheets feel like a fortress that keep out the outside world.

Afterward, as he does every time, he's on his phone. Scrolling. Barely listening to me when I speak.

"Uh huh," he says when I tell him I'm cold. I was trying to hint that I wanted to cuddle. But as always, he doesn't care like I want him to care.

Angry, I jump out of his bed, tug and yank all of my clothes back on as I yell and curse at him.

Bewildered, Lars sits up, sheet across his lap. "Sadie, what's wrong?" His eyes are big in that guilty way he's so good at.

"Fuck you, Lars." Tears blearing my vision, I storm out of his room, run out of his house, not caring if I wake his parents up.

" _Sadie!_ "

#

I've been crying in my bed at home for two hours when my phone lights up with his text.

' **sorry i'm such a dick.** '

I'm sorry, too. Sorry the guy I'm in love with is such a dick, and that I always let him ruin me like this.

And I'm sorry that I'll probably never get over him. No matter how hard I try.


	15. Arctophobia

_**15: Arctophobia**_

* * *

 _noun_

 _1._ _fear of bears (Latin Lexicon)_

" _Come out, Steven,_ " it says in a voice that sounds off. Wrong. " _Come out and play._ "

I try to hold my breath. I'm breathing too loudly. It's going to find me in this kitchen cabinet if I don't quiet down.

This is my fault for letting that gem shard out of its' bubble to see if I could heal it with my powers. I thought it was smart to do it while the gems were out of the temple, so that they couldn't tell me it was too dangerous. Because of _course_ it was too dangerous. This was a horrible idea.

But I didn't think I would accidentally drop the gem shard onto MC Bear Bear.

I didn't think this would turn out like Frybo. Only worse.

" _Steeeeeeeeven,_ " calls out MC Bear Bear, drawing my name out long, sending chills down my spine. And I'm not sure, but he sounds closer this time. " _Where aaaaare youuuu?_ "

I cover my mouth and nose with both hands, clamping my eyes shut. I listen closely. It's impossible to hear footsteps from a stuffed animal. Where is he? Should I run?

Where are the gems? Shouldn't they be back already? And helping me?

Some time passes, and it's very quiet outside. I almost make to move the cabinet, to peek out of it and see if the coast is clear to run out the front door. I almost do, but I'm afraid that if I move, it will hear me.

Until a muffled, soft knock comes from the other side.

" _Steven. I can hear you._ " The bear says. _"Why are you hiding? Don't you love me anymore?_ "

With a slow, horrible squeak, the cabinet door opens partially. MC Bear Bear's vacant button stare meets me from the other side.

Voice shaking, I yell, "I was just trying to help you!"

I swing out with my leg and kick the teddy bear several feet away, and I use that chance to run across the house toward the front door, sprinting as fast as my legs can carry me.

An arm reaches out, a clawed hand slamming into the door and blocking my exit. A purple, unnatural hand. Attached to a long purple arm made of fabric.

With dread, I turn, eyes following the path of the long purple cloth arm behind me.

And there stands a nightmare version of what used to be MC Bear Bear, with huge, insect-like long limbs and a mouth made of his torn middle, with cotton stuffing coming out of it. " _Now, Steven,_ " the creature that was once my teddy bear says, tufts of cotton falling to the wood floor, " _That wasn't very nice. Now I have to make you pay._ "

Terror paralyzing me, tears rolling down my cheeks, I shut my eyes and scream as the creature lunges, opening its' jaws.


End file.
